When it comes to dating, there is one question that can make or break a relationship: What are you into? How do you tell your partner about your secret fantasies and fetishes, without scaring them off or making them think you’re weird? How do you find out what they like, without sounding like a nosy reporter or a bored therapist? The answer is simple: trust. You need to trust your partner enough to open up and share your deepest desires. You need to trust them to listen and understand, without judging or rejecting you. You need to trust them to respect your limits and boundaries, and to be adventurous and playful with you.

That’s how it worked for me and Daniel, my husband. We met online (Grindr), and sparks flew right away. We had an instant connection, and we knew we had something special. But it took us three months to finally meet in person, and in the meantime, we had to rely on texting to keep the flame alive. 

It was one of those lazy weekend afternoons when Daniel and I exchanged texts that changed everything. We had been chatting for a while, but this time he had a brilliant idea. He asked me to send him the last videos I had masturbated, on so we could watch and do it together. I felt a surge of excitement. The thought of him seeing the same thing as me at the same time was thrilling and new. I loved it.

I quickly sent him the link to this video where a bunch of guys were topping a submissive bottom. Daniel wasted no time and started his subtle interrogation: Do you like the way they treated him? Do you fantasize about being with more than one person? And so on. He knew I would be more honest when I was in the mood. We kept on sharing more videos and questions for the rest of the day.

This afternoon, we realized that we had more in common than we thought. We both shared an interest in sex toys, role-playing, and lingerie. And that led us to explore some deeper initiatives, like bringing in a third party to the bedroom.

So here's a tip: if you want to find out what your partner likes, why not watch some porn together (or over the phone)? It's a fun way to break the ice and get to know each other better. Just pay attention to what they choose and what gets them going. You might be surprised by what you learn. And don't be shy to share your own fantasies and experiences. After all, sharing is caring.

Another thing you can do is ask them what they are curious about. But remember, this is supposed to be fun, not an interrogation. Whatever they say, just listen and don't judge. Maybe you won't like their answer or maybe they will want to try something that doesn't appeal to you (or the other way around), and that's okay. You don't have to do everything they suggest right after the conversation. But you might learn something new about them and yourself, and maybe even get some fresh ideas.

The best thing about creating these open spaces is that they helped us establish a solid base for playful and healthy sexuality. As time went by, one of the biggest lessons we learned was how important it was to communicate regularly and honestly about our likes and dislikes. It made it easier for us to deal with more complicated issues that came up naturally and inevitably in our relationship.